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Laina Makuzha

LOVE by DESIGN

If heartbreak from being ditched or betrayed by one’s significant other can drive some people to unspeakable limits due to pain or jealousy, I can’t imagine the depth of pain experienced from losing a spouse through death.

This past week I attended a funeral of a beloved Woman of God, whose life inspired me and so many who were in attendance. 

Speaker after speaker shared the life-changing deeds that she — from the sound of it — did as part of her everyday life and love for people and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Apart from taking care of family, and being active in church ministry, she was a philanthropic champion. We learned of how she opened a foundation that opened doors to over 100 Zimbabwean children to study in Africa, Asia, Latin America, and the Americas. 

Speak of walking the talk and being a doer of the Word!  I listened intently to one of her children who spoke, and to her husband and her father-in-law who spoke at length of how she had shown incredible love to her in-laws. 

When her husband spoke, I was awe struck by the story of how they met, how he still had details of the things she said, what she liked, what type of person she was, and how she had given him instruction on how she wanted her funeral to be conducted. 

One could easily tell these two were brought together by true love and that she had left a legacy that transcends generations. 

Their life together was admirable and a true witness to what love can achieve in a marriage when Christ-centred, cherished and nurtured.

It got me thinking of all the wonderful loving people who have lost their spouses and how some find it difficult to navigate life without their partners. 

I’ve seen some fold amid paralysing grief. 

I’ve also seen even family members who have had to struggle to pick up the pieces after such deep loss. In sparing a thought for them, and being no stranger to the loss of dear family members myself, I researched on expert tips that can help in coping with grief. 

So if you are going through this kind of grief  or know someone who is, and who might need support — hang with me as we look at some insights and advice for coping with the loss of a beloved partner. 

Bear in mind, however, that these are not exhaustive and that everyone’s grief journey is unique.

Acknowledge your grief:

There is no right or wrong way to feel after losing a spouse. Zviya zvekunzi usachema, hazvibudi, and experts discourage mourners who tell someone not to cry.  Rather allow yourself to feel the emotions as part of the healing process — whether it’s numbness, sadness, anger, or relief. Be patient with yourself and recognise that healing takes time.

Take care of your physical health:

Grieving can impact your physical well-being. Prioritise self-care by eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest. Avoid excessive alcohol consumption, as it can exacerbate emotional pain.

Seek social support:

Share your grief with others who understand the type of loss you are grappling with. 

Talk about your feelings, memories, and the special things you miss about your spouse. 

Friends and family may not always know what to say, but their presence matters. 

Let them know if you need to talk or if you’d like to reminisce about your loved one.

Avoid making major decisions right away:

Grief can cloud judgment, it can be a roller-coaster of emotions. Give yourself time before making significant life choices. Focus on healing and self-care first and resist any unnecessary pressure from people.

Remember healing takes time:

Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. Over time, the intensity of your emotions will likely subside, and you’ll begin to build a new life for yourself though it may not seem possible when grief is still fresh.

Experts’ views

Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief as being: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

Remember that these stages are not linear, and everyone experiences them differently. 

Yet another grief counsellor Dr Alan Wolfelt emphasises the importance of mourning, which involves expressing your grief openly and actively. It’s okay to cry, reminisce, and seek support. 

Dr David Kessler adds a sixth stage to Kübler-Ross’s model: ie finding meaning. 

So as you go through your healing process, consider how your loved one’s legacy can inspire positive change or contribute to a cause.

Words of comfort from the Bible:

Psalm 34:18 (NIV): “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Revelation 21:4 (NIV): “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Role of relatives, colleagues, and community:

Relatives: Be present and listen. Share memories and stories, and be positive in your outlook. Offer practical assistance, such as helping with meals or household chores.

Colleagues: Be understanding if the bereaved need time off work. Express condolences and offer a listening ear.

Community: Attend memorial services or gatherings. Show support through cards, messages, or acts of kindness, but also be sensitive in terms of giving the bereaved some privacy to mourn if they need it, don’t choke them or overcrowd them with your idea of how they should mourn or heal.

Grief is a natural process, and it’s okay to seek professional help if needed. Remember to surround yourself with love, cherish the memories, and honour your spouse’s legacy by living a life filled with compassion and purpose.

Let’s keep the conversation going. Feel free to reach out if in need of more information, if grieving and need to talk to someone or if you have a contribution to the topic that might benefit someone grieving. Our experiences insights and love when shared, can have a tremendous impact on the lives of others.

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